Bagel!

1:00pm: Idk
I dont really know why Im posting. I dont know what to rant about. Since thats what I usually want to post on LJ. Umm I guess Im pretty angry Im sick. Its a month to my show and Korea and auditions and Im sick. I hate it. I think Im gonna go to the doctor even though I think they will just be like ummm you have a cold. Oh wells. What else? Im busy all the time. Behind in school. And ditching like crazy. I hate school right now. And the people. Not all of them but still. Too many of my friends are relationship crazy. Like Im all for friends finding someone bout about 3 of the 5 who are pursuing people are bugging me. One of them blew me and a friend off on Monday to see him- we were waiting at the Alleycat for hours calling her while she was like Im coming Im coming. And another friend will be talking to me then just walk away when he sees the girl he likes. Its very strange. Cause then there are my friends who act normally- why cant they all. Strange days. Oh and there are pics of my tattoo on facebook now.

11:57pm: My life is busy hectic crazy. Yet boring. I got a tattoo though and Im sure all of you already know but as it is that most exciting thing Ill probably ever do Im gonna bring it up. Im really really happy bout it. Especially b/c it was my decision. No one made me or prevented me from doing it. Thats nice.

I have so much work to do. I honestly am living in hr increments. Like Ill do this at 12 so I can be ready at 1 for this. So not ahead of the game. Just barely making it through. Thats why Im so stressed. But at least Im filling my "free" time. By "free" I mean no school or rehearsal or required event or meeting. I still have hw and home stuff to do but whatev. Yesterday I got my tattoo then went to alley cat for awhile then watched a movie at Andrew and Matt's with Meredith. Tonight I watched the Machinist instead of preparing for my sight singing test. It was well worth it. I dont have much else to say. Cept Im super tired but since I havent had internet for awhile Im using it up (Ive had to alley cat and such this past week).

4:37pm: Im not exactly sure how to word what is going on in my life right now. School is school. Singing is rewarding and frustrating. Its overwhelming and fulfulling.

Then there is this thing that I should leave alone yet I want to pursue yet I dont want to. Confusion eh? Ill be less fuzzy on the details by Tues.

I think.

9:59am: I'm tired of it all.

11:07pm: Craziness
So my life is craziness. I have no time whatsoever this week. Im wasting precious "free" time, actually homework time to write this but whatev. Im gone from about 7:30 am to 11 pm although last night I didnt get home till 12:30 am. Oh well.

Good things though: my little family group thing in the show Im in is so fun. I GOT A CALLBACK FOR CHAMBERS!!! Huge step- so excited!!! And I have two new friends to hang out with well really Ive seen them pretty much everyday this week. And its amazing b/c they are non music major CSU friends. Which is such a relief sometimes cause the music building can drive you insane so quickly.

Bad things: I have a callback!! Scary scary stuff. Im still not great with words/music on my upcoming show (that is this weekend!). I have an audition on Thursday for the fundraiser show they do. And I need to work on Lucretia music. Oh and homework yaknow. That too. And things I have to do at home and school. Like study abroad stuff. Ahh.

Craziness.

1:37pm: I havent been this nervous in a long time.

I totally forgot about the nerves I get before performing and such.

This is pathetic though. My stomach is in knots and my tiny 10 minute choir audition isnt for an hour and 20 min.

Eww

5:37pm: Shit
Excuse my swearing but it pretty much explains how Im feeling not that I realize my situation.

Im been scared about choir well freaking out with bursts of being ok with not being in Chamber choir. Whatev. Anyway.

Then today, Dr. Queen calls me to sing in the upcoming Opera Fort Collins production. How do you say no to an opportunity like that to your professor?

So I go to rehearsal today thinking he called like 50 ppl from CSU to sing additionally.

Yeah there were like 3 new people to the chorus of 25. Did I mention the performance is the 24th/26th so less than 2 weeks away. Oh yeah and its a crapload of pretty difficult music and its actually two different operas each performance (one is way harder than the other). Plus I have rehearsals almost every night up to it. Like on my bday. My bday is totally gonna suck. First day of school, auditions, and rehearsal. Bleh.

Oh and the last opera fort collins show I was chorus in we just stood and sang but this one is actually staged so I have to remember that too.

Shit.

11:39pm: Umm Ya...

2:49pm: I dont even think I have anything to say?
I went to a wedding this weekend. It was fun. Its so crazy to see someone you know getting married although Ive only known Cassie since she was engaged so that made it easier I guess.

Anyway we stayed in the hotel and I got to spend time with some of my girls and well take a break. We kept saying how strange it was to just be in Denver and yet feel like you are so far away from home. It was much needed to get away from all the stresses and anxieties in life.

Im still screwed on choir music. Bleh. I was stressing that Im letting everyone down who helped me even get an audition into the group plus my family but now im like whatever. Ill be able to be with more friends if Im in the other choir. Screw it all.

I have absolutely NO motivation anymore. To work, to practice. Im so lazy. Pathetic.

1:46pm: LJ
I like using LiveJournal again. Im also journaling on my time. Its nice to let out your thoughts however stupid they are.

I feel better bout choir. Idk why. God eased my anxiety I guess. I havent learned any new songs but I worked on 7 yesterday. If I can learn them mostly by like Friday thatll be great. Then I might take Friday off working since my mom will be gone so I can practice and learn some more. And maybe more on Sunday when I get back from the wedding. I havent been working a lot though. I didnt work yesterday since I spent the day revolving around getting a new passport. Oh well. And I asked Jane (who was the one who asked our choral director to let me into Chambers in the 1st place) for help and she said she would when I go back to FoCo which is great.

Its good to have things to look forward to. Like seeing Spamalot with Jerick, and seeing The Little Mermaid and having dinner with Loriann and Catherine, and performing my first major role. Plus my bday I guess although not really. My birthday hasnt been much of anything. Last yr I didnt really do anything special. And this yr its surrounded by anxiety with school starting and auditions. hmm Gotta look on the bright side I guess. My sis is leaving for Chicago on my bday too so maybe we'll do a bday family thing before she leaves. Idk.

11:05am: Hmm
Facebook is down. Im not a fan of this updating business. I usually wouldnt care b/c when I usually check my email I have 1 maybe 2 maybe 0 things from facebook. Today I had about 15- messages/wall posts/requests. Intense. And I cant see them.

Umm I bought tickets to Spamalot and the Little Mermaid yesterday. Im pretty stoked. I see the two shows within two weeks of each other which is weird since the last time I saw a musical in Denver was last yr seeing Les Mis. It seems like Im cramming everything together now.

I think Im gonna go myself a new passport today (my old one expires tomorrow). I mean its good to have a passport and all but with all the crappiness Ive been doing with not doing my choral pieces I doubt Ill need it since I wont get into the choir and get to go to Korea in October. Hmm.

4:38pm: I am the WORST procrastinator ever. Seriously whats wrong with me. 3 weeks to learn 22 pieces of music and Im on the computer. How is it that my fear of failing compels me to procrastinate and stay away from actual work which is the only way to avoid failing. I am a conundrum.

10:10pm: Yeah
So I finished Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows yesterday... And then read it again and finished it this morning. I know I know Im a nerd. It was pretty much amazingness though. It definately wrapped up the series well. My life is complete... Except now after being in Potter mania these past few weeks I feel a bit like my life sucks compared to the craziness of the wizarding fictional world.

Bittersweet.

Thats dominated my life for awhile so what else is new? Hmm well yesterday when I was reading Harry Potter in Daz Bog I realized that my summer kinda sucks because its not summerish. I want to just hang out in a coffee shop and read all day or just hang outside breathing in the mountain air without feeling guilty. But one I have no time to do such things-this weekend with Harry Potter was a crazy exception- and two I feel guilty because of the amount of work Im putting off mainly I hav 4 weeks to learn and memorize 22 incredibly diffficult choral pieces and learn and mostly memorize a leading opera role.

Crap.

11:30pm: Just a taste
I couldnt resist putting up a couple pics...



Oh ya that is all by hand btw.

11:00pm: Potter Mania!
So yesterday was pretty superb. I woke up and when in such a funk. You know those days when everything just seems to be wrong. I wasnt grumpy or anything its just nothing felt right. I went to work out and left early, was gonna sand the door and gave up, it was strange. Anywho I FINALLY made it down to Loveland yesterday. I met up with Laura K and Catherine and we bought materials to make shirts and wands.

Then Catherine had to go down to Boulder so Laura and I watched Amelie cause she had never seen it. So that was amazingness. Anyways I had planned on going down to loveland making the shirts and coming back to Estes for dinner. Ya well it was about 8 before Catherine came back and we actually started making shirts (which worked out though cause when she got back was about the time when we had finished the movie and spraypainted our "wands").

Anyways we made AMAZING Harry Potter shirts like seriously amazing. I took pics but Im not posting them until after the HP release because then there will be more. Ill put them on facebook since I still dont know how to make a LJ cut. Anywho I made th wands while Catherine altered the shirts and Laura made the stencils then Laura and Catherine did pretty much everything else cause I am SOOOO not artistic. I figured I had the idea so that was enough of a contribution.

We made a midnight doughnut run and finished the shirts around 2 and took pics until 3. Ya so no driving back to Estes for me. I stayed at Catherines but we didnt get back to her place until 5 am. So LONG night of Harry Potterness. Laura K is gonna make scarves for us Im super psyched. The two of us picked out the yarn this afternoon before I came back to Estes. Emilee H is gonna go to the release with us so were gonna a scarf for each house. And were making Acid Pops and Butterbeer and Cauldron Cakes too- well Catherine mainly is- b/c shedid a HP movie party thing and made a bunch of the stuff and it was amazing. Obviously we decided were going all out for Harry Potter 7 cause we are so hardcore. Oh geez. Excitement. Im still unsure of my plans but I think I might stay the night at Catherines after the release but really just stay up all night and read. Goodness I love my geekiness.

11:54am: So Im mega bored.

Slept in today that was nice. I need to get off my butt and do something now though. I should go work out since I havent since umm... Wed maybe? No bueno. Hopefully Ill be going to Loveland today though to make shirts for the 7th Harry Potter release and watching Amelie (which is oh so amazing). I really hope so since those plans didnt pan out yesterday.

Yesterday was alright. I woke up early for me (at least in summer terms) so I could spray paint things on the roof before the shingles got too hot. Umm so Im terrified of heights so the whole getting off the ladder on to the roof and on to the ladder off of the roof sucked. I was fine once up there but ya my fear def wasted a lot of my dads and my time. After dousing myself with paint thinner I worked some more then when my Loveland plans went out the window I watched some of the 1st season of friends while my parents went into town to watch the Tour de France. (We dont have TV still-which I actually really like).

I didnt really see Betsy yesterday though which was a bummer. Betsy is a chipmunk who we have affectionately dubbed Betsy. My dad and I spent most of the day Tues watching her since we saw her carrying load after load of insullation to her hole. In other words she was stealing insullation out of our house. Somehow getting inside. Strange. We found her tiny access pt and covered it up but she is still always around sometimes watching my dad and I work. Shes most def cute and we think shes builind up her nest to have little chipmunk babies. We already had a nest of little ones (which I wasnt around to see). The nature is pretty amazing at our house though. Earlier this week we had two baby elks roaming around with their moms. SOOO cute. My parents saw a baby deer the week before I came back too which was apparently even cuter as its so much smaller. Good stuff. Well maybe Ill go be productive now...

8:51pm: Public Service Message
Oh and I forgot. I dont care if this sounds like a public service announcement btw. So my sisters best friend Brittany crashed while longboarding last week. Cracked her skull and was in the ICU for 2 days. She was just released from the hospital but has airpockets in her brain. Still has some bleeding. Cant do much of anything. Ya its a mess. She was the one going on my sisters world trip with her too but can longer go right away b/c she has to wait 6 months to fly. Its all because she didnt wear a helmet. I never think of skateboarders needing helmets but geez she was right in fron of her house picked up a bit too much speed and instantly her life is completely changed as well as her family and friends. So if I see you riding your bike or skateboard without a helmet expect me to harp on you. My sis was devasted. It tore her up. I mean her best friend's skull cracked! I would never want to go through that. So put on your flippin helmets!!!!

8:25pm: Time for an update??
I donte neccessarily feel too livejournally at the moment. The words arent a'comin yaknow but I still feel the need to update. Anywho I dont remember my last update so Ill just start sayin whatev.

I just got done with summer school. I thought four weeks in FoCo with no working would be great. Id get six credits done, learn my choir and opera music, get better at piano and guitar. Work out. Read books. Watch tons of movies (I got a month free of netflix movies from when I was down ther). See loads of friends. Easy.

Ya school took up tons of time. How did I not thinka semester of school crammed into 4 weeks would not take tons of time? Bleh. Opera/Choir music were postponed. Same as piano/guitar. I did watch movies whenever I had a spare moment (I wasnt gonna waste my free trial). And I saw some friends. Strangely enough though the person I saw most (besides Stacy who I had class with) was Catherine who lives in Boulder mainly where it would be easier to see her when I was in Estes.

Anywho I got two As thank goodness and now Im back in Estes. I work a few hours a day since its my first week back and with visiting my sis and sleeping and my parent's book groups I havent had much work yet- still the day goes by quickly. I read a lot. Im pretty content. Especially since I figured out how much Im actually getting paid per hour. (WooHoo).

Ive read all the Harry Potter books these past two weeks. And Im so obsessed it intense. Im going to one of those party things for the release for the first time of the 7 books. Were making shirts. Its gonna be intense. Im still 22 songs behind for choir which I have an audition for in 5 weeks. Crap- why am I not more stressed... or motivated. Opera (rape of lucretia) is going well though. I went over it a few tmes with my old voice teacher and I sound pretty good so Im not trobled especially since I have until October 20th to perform it. BTW if you are free that night which everyone should be since its months away everyone should come see in my first starring role. Ill def need support plus who knows when Ill get a chance like this again?

Ill try and update better. I dont think anyone cares but whatev maybe someone enjoys. I like reading everyones entries bout their lives so ya. thats bout it.

10:54am: Im such a procrastinator.

10:26am: Crazyness....

Im avoiding studying and doing my freshman voice studio recital to post this.... good use of time eh?

So 3 days left until I am done!!!! And officially a sophmore!! 3 years left!!! Except I might stay an extra year if I end up double majoring. Decisions decisions.

So life has been intense these last two weeks. I was asked to sing with the Chamber choir which is the top choir at CSU-amazingness. Im not in it or anything but its a step-I have to learn and memorize like 20 of their songs for next yrs audition though and they are sooooo hard!!! But if I make it in I will go to Korea with them next year!!

And then I auditioned for next fall's opera and what the heck I got the lead. Its double cast so I only perform one out of three performances. But its still crazy amazing. Two soon to be sophmores got roles and then there are 5 grad students and the other 6 are seniors. Crazyness. And thats the whole cast!!! I have to learn and practicly memorize the whole score over the summer too!!! And its incredibly hard-its Benjamin Britten- who liked to write the hardest flippin music eve! Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!

On top of that Im taking 6 credits of summer school (to get rid of some credits), learning to really play piano, workign in Estes, oh goodness gracious.

But I have to survive these last 3 days first so I better go start studying...

9:21pm: So its spring break.
Ive been working in Estes Park for most of it though. And I took a couple days off like I didnt go up and work today and I felt guilty. Why? Its not really my job to work all day. The house is beautiful though and it is cool to say I actually had something to do with building the house.

I just really need the break time though. I havent really hung out with anyone all week and its actually been kinda nice. I feel like Im always being pulled in one direction or the other by everyone. Always doing this and that. So its nice to have a week off.

I dont want to go back to school though. I fell behind because of the opera I was in (marriage of figaro) and I just dont know bleh and I have Kiss Me Kate starting now.

Oh and I loved the weather earlier this week- especially in Estes- its so cool to look outside the house and see a herd of elk standing next to the window or other various wildlife.

Hmmm....

P.S. How do you do an lj cut and if neone responds please do so in the simplest terms possible. I really post some pictures of the new house.

1:31pm: I have been having really strange dreams lately. I rarely ever have real dreams about people I actually know but I have its strange. I had one where my friend Sam broke up with her boyfriend and the next day I was so sure it was real that I had to ask her if that truly happened.

I had another one last night and it was at Loriann's "house" and Dillon was there for like a sec and so was Andy R. and Megan L. And all I really remember was that Megan had really cool hair. It was like straight and black with these cool neon green streaks. And like reddish hues too. It sounds weird but it was awesome. Then we stayed the night on like different floors and the next mornign Megan had a whole different haircut it was huge and blonde-ish and really awesome again. She said she had left early that morning to get it done by some famous hairstylist who was in town. Thats all I remember. Weird.

On a completely opposite note. I went to church today. Im really glad I did. I feel really open lately too- because I can tell Im searching for something. Im just searching for what my life is to be like... w/ God. It makes me really hopeful.

9:39am: Im living in a duplex now with two roommates. I have a giant room with my own bathroom and walk in closet in it. Im blessed. I need to get a job. And I also feel a bit lost. I just dont know what Im doing with my life whether it is now or ten days from now or ten years. im confused I guess.

I think this will be a good semester though. Just being out of that toxic environment (my dorm room) has helped me tons.

On a more pathetic note. I was late to my first class today- mind you- the first class of the semester. Pathetic. About 7 minutes late. And the class only lasted about ten minutes. So I was there for about 3. Bleh. Oh well.

10:01pm: On the verge of getting better...
I thought so...
But no.

3:09pm: I dont fit in anywhere.
Home/Apartment/Dorms?
Nothing fits.
I don't belong anywhere.
I think Ill go live in a box on the street.
Seriously.
I dont know what to do.